


Broken Illusions

by MrAlec



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Airplane Crashes, Death, Depression, F/F, F/M, Genderbent Peridot, Guilt, Human AU, Language, Lapis Lazuli is dead, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Nightmares, Polyamorous Cool Kids, Rewrite of Angel of Yesterday, Self-Harm, Suicide, Trans Lars (Steven Universe), Violence, Why am I an asshole?, break ups, criminal, hospital visits
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-15
Updated: 2017-07-18
Packaged: 2018-11-17 07:14:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11270637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrAlec/pseuds/MrAlec
Summary: I couldn't finish Angel of Yesterday ... I just didn't have it in me ... I know a lot of people read that one and love it ... but I don't know if I can do it.. but here is a alternate version of it. One that is a Human Au. <3 Please EnjoyIt’s my fault … If I didn’t beg my parents, if I didn’t beg her, then she would still be alive. Why was I so stupid?When they got on that plane, they didn’t know only hours afterwards that it was going to go down. Steven Dalton, a sixteen-year-old boy with a passion for anime. All he wanted to do was go to the anime convention with his best friend, Lapis L. Luxton. But, his parents said no. Going against their will, they gone anyway … it cost one of them their life.Now Steven, feeling guilty about what happened, slipped into depression.Follow Steven, on his journey of his first counter with depression, and how his world crumbles around him.





	1. Broken Illusion

_**"And just like that, I lost you..."** _

**April 10, 2017**

"I love the feel of flying. I love the way you can feel the vibrations of the plane through your body, and the view down below us is gorgeous." Lapis L. Luxton looked out the window of the plane seeing the bright blue sky in front of her. The clouds were a white and fluffy almost like giant cotton balls. She looked towards the boy that was sitting next to her clenching the arm rest until his knuckles turned white.

"I hate flying …" Mumbled the sick boy, his face was turning a bit green like he was going to throw up. "If it wasn't for the anime convention, I would have never flown anywhere in my entire life."

Lapis giggled and grabbed hold of the boy's hand. "Steven, it's going to be alright. Planes are safe, nothing is going to happen to us. I promise. Lighten up a bit. I'm kind of glad you convinced me to go with you." She squeezed his hand and smiled his way. "Peridot will be upset though that we never invited him along."

"He'll … ugh … he'll have to deal with it. We needed less people to know that we did this." Steven groaned putting his head back onto the seat. "I need a paper bag …" He reached out towards the flight attendant who was walking by smiling at everyone. "Hello … miss?"

The flight attendant was dark skinned and very beautiful as she smiled down at Steven with her pearl white teeth. "Yes, young man?" Her voice was soft and loving, not fake like most flight attendants are after a while when their feet start to hurt from standing up for hours at a time. Steven looked away when he felt something trying to come up.

"He would like a paper bag please." Lapis smiled up at the flight attendant, before looking down at her name tag.  _Caroline._   _What a pretty name._  She thought before looking away from the girl. Steven looked back at Caroline, when she came back with a paper bag for him.

"Thank you so much." He put it against his face, closing his eyes trying to calm his nerves. He heard Caroline say, 'you're welcome' then her footsteps descending away from him. "Lapis … let's never fly again, until I can get this air sickness under control." He weakly chuckled which was cut off mid when a turbulence hit the plane.

Steven's face turned ash as more turbulences hit the plane. The red light in front and above their heads turned on to put their seatbelts on. Then a voice came over their heads. "Ladies and gentlemen, we are experiencing some turbulence, so can you please fasten your seatbelts right away. Thank you," the captain said over the intercom.

The boy fumbled with his seat belt, his hands were shaking and he could barely breath. There was a huge shudder and the oxygen mask came down in front of their faces. "L-Lapis …" Cried Steven. "I can't get this to fasten." He looked over to Lapis, her face was calm, when she reached over to him and fastened his seat belt. When she was done, he grabbed her hand and squeezed tightly. "I-I don't want to die, Lapis."

Lapis took a deep breath, inside her stomach was rolling and her mind was going. She squeezed the boy's hand and looked over at him, she concealed her face to hide her fears to not scare Steven. She didn't want him to know her fears, it would just scare him more than he was now. "It's going to be okay, Steven, I am here with you. We will not die. I promise." Steven's eyes were closed shut, when she looked away from him and out the window.

She found something she was hoping was just her imagination, the right wing of the plane was bouncing hard in the wind. She realized one of the engines was in trouble as smoke was rushing out of it. Then the right wing burst into flames. The plane was going to crash and there was nothing anyone could do about it.

The pressure was building up around them, she could feel it pressing down on her. Looking over to the side, Steven was fumbling with his. He needed to calm down or he will keep making mistakes. In situations like this you did not need to panic, it would make things worse. When she went to help him, he pushed her hand away to help Caroline who had fallen during another turbulence when she went to help another passenger.

Caroline looked deathly scared, her face had no color in it, when she looked at Steven. It made Steven more scared, he finally had Lapis help him with his mask. He breathed in deeply, as the intercom came on once again. "This is your captain speaking. We have a bit of a problem that requires and emergency landing right away."

Tears were streaming down his face as he looked over at Lapis then out of her window where he saw the engine on fire. The plane started to rattle more violently and he could hear people crying behind him and around him. The noises were so loud that it sounded like a rumbling earthquake. Next to him on the next aisle there was a caramel skin old man struggling to get his mask on. Reaching over, he helped him to strap it over his head.

Steven sat there gripping Lapis' hand, and staring at her, hoping in was a dream even though he knew it wasn't. As he looked away he saw the old man again, this time looking at a photo of what to seem to be his family, tears were running down his face. Steven's tears ran down harder as he thought he was never going to see his family and friends again. The last time he had spoken to his moms was when they had a fight about him going to the anime convention. He felt sick again.

All of them were sitting there wondering what was about to happen.

Lapis looked out of the window as she could see the ground rushing towards them. It was scary, as they all hopped that the captain knew what he was doing. It was frightening to sit there thinking you were going to die. She looked at Steven and grabbed his face with her free hand making him lock eyes with her. She wiped his tear away lovingly, and cupped his cheek, setting their foreheads together.

Then it happened. It happened so quickly. The hard impact threw them forwards into the seats in front of them. The front of the plane was being stripped away from the body as they bounced across the rocky earth. Smoke filled around their heads and bodies, and fires shot through various parts of the planes. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the plane came to a stop and there was almost complete silence. The crying, screaming, and rumbling of the plane had come to an end.

* * *

Steven Dalton didn't know how long he was out, when he awoke his body was screaming and his head was throbbing. The oxygen mask was off his head and smoke was in his lungs as he coughed. Where was Lapis? He asked himself. He turned his head trying to ignore the throbbing to his right, he saw the old man, he wasn't moving, and something stuck through his body. There was wreckage everywhere, and smoke. Bodies were here and there, some were moving others were not.

He cried out in pain as he sat up, something was broken, and he didn't know what, but it felt like a couple of ribs to him. In front of him was Caroline, well, what was part of her anyway. Her body was cut in half with blood pumping out of her. Her brown eyes were wide open, frozen in horror. The other half of her was some little ways down from the first half. He turned to his side and puked up what looked like what he ate and some blood.

He had to find Lapis, he tried to move his lower half, but his leg was broken. He screamed out in pain and started to cry. This was his fault. If he just listened to his parents, Lapis and he wouldn't be here right now. He wouldn't have to see the bodies of people that had families. Biting his lip, and using his upper body strength, he pushed his body towards some rubble where he saw and arm sticking out. Groaning and tears running down his face, he tried to push the rubble off her. A man ran over to help him lift the rumble, he looked to be unharmed, and he didn't seem to be part of the plane crash.

The man was trying to ask him questions, but Steven's mind was somewhere else, as he looked at the bloody body of Lapis. Something was sticking out of her on her side, and blood was squirting out of the wound. Her head moved to the side, and a small groan came from her lips. "Steven …" Her voice was barely auditable, and he had to move his head down to her lips to hear her. "I'm sorry …" She weakly grabbed his hand and he squeezed tightly, realizing that Lapis wasn't squeezing back. He looked over at her face and her eyes were closed, and her breathing had stopped.

He screamed and cried, this couldn't be happening. This was all a dream. She wasn't dead, she wasn't dead at all. The man that helped him grabbed his shoulders to make him look at him in the face. His lips were moving, but he couldn't understand, his ears were started to ring. His head was throbbing and black dots were started to go in front of his eyes. "No, kid, stay with me." The man had said tapping the boy's cheeks. "Come on, help is on the way. Stay with me for a couple of more minutes."

Steven had closed his eyes and drifted, just wanting everything to go back to normal.

* * *

**April 13th, 2017**

He came to with a bright light above his head, he didn't know where he was and his head was pounding like somebody was hitting him with a hammer repeatedly. As he tried to sit up, his whole upper half of his body was screaming, he couldn't really feel the body half of his body and that scared him shitless. He looked around, getting used to the light of the room, finding out he was in a white hospital room. Looking down, he was in a hospital gown, and a white scratchy blanket was over his legs.

Steven was barely able to move his right arm, a cast was tightly wrapped around it, using his left hand, he pulled the blanket off him to see that one of his legs were in a cast as well. The other leg was bruised and scratched up, his ankle in a bandage. His mouth tasted like crap and it was dry, looking to his left there was a table with a pink plastic jug and a pink plastic cup.

Trying to not spill, his hand was shaking as he lifted the jug and tried to pour into the cup. The water had spilled into the cup, but also on the stand. The water was slowly dripping onto the bed and the tile floor off the table. He sighed and took his blanket to wipe off some of the water, this wasn't going well for him.

His face hurts and his eye seemed to be swollen a bit. He had no idea how long he has been in here, and he hoped it wasn't that long. Grabbing the cup of water, he brought it to his chap lips and took a sip. The cool water went down his sore throat washing away most of the bad taste in his mouth. He wanted to brush his teeth badly, it must have been awhile since he had last done it.

Once he finished off the cup of water he had set it down on the table, just in time for somebody to barge into the room. His head snapped over to the door, a small curly hair black women was standing in the door way. Her skin was becoming like a wrinkled, paper bag that was left on its own. Her black hair had slips of sliver in the threads, even with her old age she seems to be bouncing with entry. He wondered who she was, maybe she had got the wrong room, and was looking for someone else.

"This is just great! Just great! I've been to all the rooms related to the one I've been trying to fine, and now I have lost my wife!" The old lady had a Jamaican accent, that was thick so it was a bit harder to understand what she was trying to say.

"Uh ... hello? Are ... you okay?" Steven asked curious on why she was in his room in the first place. Maybe she was an escaped patient and she has no idea what she was talking about.

"Great this is just perfect!" The lady said, obviously fluster with whatever was going on. "She's blind you know?! She has no idea where she was going. I can't believe I let her out of my sight." The lady just kept rambling ignoring Steven like he wasn't there.

"Do you need help?" He spoke a bit louder hopefully she heard him this time. She looked over at him and her eyes widened, she had run over to him.

"You're awake!" She said excitedly. "Do the others know? Or am I the first to know about your wakening? How exciting. I still need to go find my wife." Her voice fell a bit and she looked over at the door, it was an uncomfortable few minutes of silence. Then somebody else showed up in the door way. She was wearing a beautiful flowing blue dress, and her hands were covered in white gloves. Her skin was more wrinkled than the other lady's skin was, she had a bit of a hunch in her back, as she was holding herself up by her white cane.

The lady moved her thinning, silver hair away from her eyes, which shown dull and cloudy light blue color as she had seen too much suffering over the years. "Ruby, are you in this room?" Her voice was with a thick French accent as she looked around the room, not entirely sure if she was even seeing anything. Steven watched the old black lady, Ruby, is what the other one called her move swiftly for a lady of her age. She grabbed the lady's hand, "Ah, Ruby, you are here, good. Does that mean you have find, Steven?"

"Yes, Sapphire!" She said excitedly, as she pulled her along carefully over to Steven, whose hand was on the nurse's button ready to push to get the strangers out. He still had no idea who they were, but it seemed like they knew him, or got him mixed up with a different Steven.

"We haven't seen you since you were a baby! I had my eyes back then though …" There was a hint of sadness in Sapphire's voice as she talked. "Wish I can see you now, but you must be so handsome." Her hand went to his bruised face and gently touched his cheek, her hand was super soft against his swollen cheek. "Do you remember who we are?" There was silence, he didn't want to lie and say yes, but he didn't want to be rude and say no. "Of course, not … you were just baby at the time …" She ran her hand through his hair gently and like a mother would.

"We are your grandmothers, Steven. We used to watch you all the time when you were little, I remember when you used to call me Bamboo, or Bam Bam, just because of the little stupid things I used to do, and you loved it, I was the fun one, while this old hag was the evil one out of the group." Ruby chuckled before rubbing her leg as Sapphire hit her with her walking stick.

"I was not the evil one, Ruby, just because I was teaching him French at such a young age, does not make me evil. Steven, do you remember what you used to call me?" Sapphire asked, her accent was getting harder to understand, but Steven managed to get the sense of what she was saying. He closed his eyes and tried to remember, but he shook his head. "That's alright, it was  _Mémère_  (may mehr)."

" _Mères_!" Steven heard Garnet's voice boom down the hall, his heart started to race, he didn't want to face her or Pearl as he thought that, his heart started to race more and tears started to fill his eyes. Memories of the plane crashed filled his head, and screams filled his ears, he covered his eyes to try and block out the sounds, but they were so loud. He wanted to stop. Make it all stop!

Somebody put a hand on his shoulder, and he opened his eyes, the sound of the screams stopped and the images were gone when he looked in the face of Ruby. Her look was concern, and she was going to tell himself when he heard Pearl's voice. It was full of sobs as she ran over to Steven, practically pushing Bamboo and  _Mémère_  out of the way. His eyes widened and he held back a scream as Pearl hugged him tightly, his whole upper half of his body was screaming. "Pearl!" Garnet's voice was loud as she pulled the sobbing woman away from him, "You are obviously hurting him, you do not do that when he just woke up."

He forced a smile on his face, trying to hide the fact that he was hurting. "Hello …" He weakly said, "I guess you two are pretty mad at me … huh?" His moms looked at each other, Garnet took her glasses off, which was a rare occasion, as she was barely able to see anything without them. She rubbed her eyes, before putting back on her glasses. Pearl rubbed her arms, and took a glance at Steven wiping her tears away from her eyes.

"We do not hate you, Steven …" Garnet's English accent was thicker than ever, usually when she was disappointed or about to say something that had a lot of emotion in it. Steven couldn't figure out what it was, and it made his heart race more, which got the heart monitor spike. "We are very disappointed in you for going without our permission … but we are just really glad that you are safe and here with us now." Her voice cracked as tears reached her eyes. "We were so worried about you … please never do that again.' Garnet came closer and ran her hand through his hair before kissing his forehead.

An older lady, with caramel skin, and dark graying hair walked in the room, she was tall, but shorter than Pearl and Garnet. She had wrinkles under eyes from aging, but she wasn't as old as Ruby and Sapphire. Her eyes were a warm brown color, and she spoke with a little bit of an Indian accent, when she spoke Steven remembered who she was. Connie's mom. "I see that you are awake, and have many visitors, Steven."

Steven looked around, Ruby and Sapphire smiled his way before pointing at the door and rubbing their stomachs. He nodded towards them before they walked away. "Yeah, I see that … When am I allowed out of here?" He bluntly asked wanting to go out of here as soon as possible. Dr. Maheswaran looked at his moms, before looking down at him.

"Not for another week, I am afraid. You were injured badly in the plane crash, Steven. Your skull was fractured, the type you had we call a linear skull fracture." She walked over the light boxes, and put up some X-rays to show Steven's skull. She pointed to some part of his skull with cracks in it. "This is actually the most common skull fracture, its where the skull is cracked, but the bone will not move. Over time it will heal, but we need to keep an eye on you just in case it gets worse."

Steven's hand went to his head and held it, feeling the bandage that was wrapped around him. "Your arm, was a clean break which is a very good thing for all of us, but it's going to be a long heal time at least three months. During those three months I would like you to come and see me, for a check-up. With that out of the way," She grabbed the x-rays and put more up on the screen. "You broke at least three of your ribs, so no heavy lifting, or anything that can cause for damage for at least another six weeks…" she trailed off as she looked down at the next x-ray in her hands. "Now for the more serious part of your injuries." Steven had the sense she was about to tell him about his lower half of his body, it scared him, he reached out and grabbed Pearl's hand, while Garnet held onto his shoulder.

"You have noticed you cannot feel anything down below your abdomen, yes?" Steven nodded, "That is because your spinal cord was injured during the plane crash, there was damage, but nothing to severe that it'll affect you long term. It was mostly from blunt force trauma, there is a lot of bruising around that area. You are lucky it was nothing more serious, there is evidence that something was blocking you from most of the force." His heart felt like it had stopped for second, something blocked him from the trauma.

_"Steven … listen to me … you are going to be okay. I won't let anything happen to you." Her voice ranged through his ears, "Keep your eyes close, everything will be over soon, I promise." He felt like he was lifted off his chair as gravity left his body, he heard something snap then click. Arms had wrapped around his waist holding him tightly, almost guarding him from danger. Grunts were heard and hot liquid ran down his skin._

"Steven, are you listening to me?" He looked side to side, seeing his moms faces, before looking over to Dr. Maheswaran, cocking his head to the side. He was confused, and didn't hear anything she just told him, if she was talking that is. "Are you okay?" He felt the hands of his moms leave, and a light flash into his eyes. "Your heart monitor spiked up, it might not be serious, but we need to get you checked out as soon as possible. I was saying earlier, we do not know how long you are going to be paralysis, however, we know it's only going to be temporary."

Temporary … that was good thing, right? He didn’t really know, just nodded a bit towards her way. “Can I rest now?” He asked softly, “It was good seeing you all, but I am tired …” He smiled weakly, and Dr. Maheswaran nodded, and motioned the other two out, leaving Steven alone in the room.

Temporary … that was good thing, right? He didn’t really know, just nodded a bit towards her way. “Can I rest now?” He asked softly, “It was good seeing you all, but I am tired …” He smiled weakly, and Dr. Maheswaran nodded, and motioned the other two out, leaving Steven alone in the room.

Garnet and Pearl held each other’s hand as they walked down the hall with Dr. Maheswaran, “I would recommend as soon as he gets out of the hospital to go see a therapist … the boy of his age and what he had seen … its best if he did that.” They had stopped in front of an elevator, “Connie … she has been worried about him, but I do not think it’s a very good idea if they see each other -

Pearl nodded squeezing Garnet’s hand, “I think that is the best bet, Dr. Maheswaran, thank you for everything you have been doing for our Steven. We should get coffee sometime once you are free that is.” She smiled towards her, and Dr. Maheswaran nodded and shook each of their hands.

“I would love too, we will make up a date as soon as I know when I am able too.” Her pager beeped on her side. “I am very sorry, but I have to go.” They watched her leave before looking at each other.

“I’ll go watch, Steven for the night?” Garnet asked, “You watch him tomorrow?”

“Sounds good, I’ll go get you some coffee.” They kissed each other before going their separate ways. Garnet walked back to the room, she stood out in the door way stopping as she heard soft snobs coming from Steven. She knocked before entering the sobs stopped, “Steven …” She said softly walking over to the bed, she pulled the chair closer to him, sitting down. “Are you alright?”

Steven stared up at the ceiling not looking at Garnet, he took in a sharp breath to calm his nerves then wiped his eyes. “I am fine … what are you doing here? Where is Pearl?” He asked still not looking at her, she tried to grab his hand, but he pulled away from her.

“We are taking shifts on watching you … I thought you would feel better if we did that. She is out getting coffee … If you do not want us here, then I will leave.” She stood up and pushed the chair back into place. “We will come back tomorrow, Steven. I love you.” She waited for a response that she did not get back, sighing, she walked out of the room, her heart cracked a bit. She hated seeing Steven like this, she couldn’t stand it.

* * *

**April 15 th, 2017 **

Five days after the crash, and Steven was feeling shitter than ever. He was finally able to sit up properly, glad for that, and his nurses are making him walk around a bit so no serious damages happen. His ribs hurt like hell, like the rest of his body, and he couldn’t properly walk around because he couldn’t feel his legs, but he was getting there. A few people came to visit him, like Ronaldo, but all he did was talk about his problems and then went to the plane crash site. Lars and Sadie visited him, but Lars wasn’t looking so good himself so they only stayed for a few minutes.

Amethyst was finally able to come and visit him, she just got onto her spring vacation. She went to a university a state over, and she made it back into town last night. The moment visiting hours opened she was in his room. “Hey! Damn, lil’man, you look like shit,” she walked over to his bed, and sat down at the end of it. He chuckled, but it hurt him to bad so he stopped.

“I feel like shit to be honest,” he smiled weakly, not making eye contact with her. “So, how has school been for you?” He asked her, Amethyst shrugged.

“The same as usual, boring. I joined the wrestling team though. I am the best of the best there.” Amethyst helped up her arms, grinning as she flexed. “Oh yeah, I also joined the town’s wrestling team, I am going to the big leagues man. Pearl is going to hate it so much.”

“I am going to hate, what, Amethyst?” Pearl walked in with Garnet beside her, holding cups of coffee and hot chocolate in a drink holder and a bag of food Steven asked for specially because the food at the hospital was crap. Garnet set the bag of food onto his lap, and set his hot chocolate down beside him on his table. She sat down on the couch that was in the corner of the room holding her own cup of coffee after Pearl and Amethyst grabbed theirs. “So?”

“Nothing …” Her and Steven chuckled a bit, and Pearl narrowed her eyes and thinned her lips. “I was just telling Steven here about school. And how fucking boring it was.”

“Amethyst! Watch your mouth around, Steven!” Pearl with her high-pitched voice warned her.

“ _Tenso, mucho?_ (Uptight, much?)” Amethyst mumbled under her breath, before Pearl smacked her up the side of her head. “Ow, P! What the hell was that for?”

“Do not think, for one minute I did not hear what you said. If you are going to mumble under your breath do to my face and in English and for your information, I am not uptight. Steven, is just a child.” Pearl put her hand on her hip giving Amethyst the motherly stare. Amethyst and Pearl were sisters by adoption. Minerva “Pink” Quinn had adopted Amethyst when she was just a baby being left on her door step one night, that was about twenty-five years ago. At the time, Pearl was only thirteen.

Their mom had died a few years back, leaving Pearl alone to take care of Amethyst until she went off to college. “Blah blah blah, P. Steven is sixteen, give him some slack, it’s not like he hasn’t heard worse. He probably heard more curse words come out of your mouth then he has mine. You curse like a sailor when you are angry.” Pearl opened her mouth to defend herself, when she was cut off by Amethyst again. “Do not tell me you don’t, I have lived with you long enough to know, Pearl.”

“Okay, you two, stop bickering, we came here to visit Steven, not to bicker.” Garnet was quiet, but the two girls had heard her and shut up. Pearl sat next to her wife, while Amethyst took a sip of her coffee. “Bamboo, and _Mémère_ are looking for a house down here, they want to be closer to Steven and me.”

“Oh, sweet, Ruby and Sapphire are moving down here? Yes! This is going to be so cool!” Amethyst said excitedly, Ruby even for her age, loves to go on adventures with her. She was excited to go see them now. “Where are they staying as of right now?”

“Well, Pearl agreed to let them use the spare room in the house. As you already made yourself a room down in the basement.” Garnet smiled softly, and looked over at Steven who hasn’t touched any of his food or drink, letting it get cold. “Steven, are you feeling alright?” Steven looked up confused, he was spacing again, Pearl and her was looking for a therapist for him, but it was taking longer than expected.

“Uh, yeah, I am fine. I just am not hungry anymore is all.” He grabbed the bag and set it next to his cup. “Of you guys do not mind, I think I am going to lay back down some more.” The three girls stood up, Pearl and Garnet kissed his cheeks, and Amethyst said “goodbye” as Steven closed his eyes. He just wanted to be alone, in the silence. It was getting to noisy in there. He could still hear them from outside the door discussing something that made his heart clench.

“Do you think he is upset that he didn’t get to go to Lapis’ funeral?” Amethyst had whispered not so quietly, before she lowered her voice as Pearl made a grunting sound of disapproval. “I mean … they were pretty close …”

“Peridot didn’t want him there anyway … he blames Steven for his girlfriend’s death … Amethyst, so even if he was able to go, Peridot wouldn’t have allowed it.” Garnet sighed, “I can understand his pain, but I don’t think it’s right to blame a sixteen-year-old for a plane crash.”

“Peri, will come around. He always does.” Amethyst didn’t sound so sure with what she had said. “I hope so at least, I know how much he had loved her. We all lost her that day, and we almost lost Steven, he should at least be happy that he is still alive.”

“He was going to purpose to Lapis, Amethyst, it’s going to take time to accept the fact that his girlfriend is gone. It’s understandable that he is so upset. I mean, if Steven didn’t disobey us and pulled Lapis along, they wouldn’t have been on that plane. But, I guess things just happen. Let’ go get something to eat now alright.” Pearl spoke softly, her voice descending with their footsteps.

Steven felt numb everywhere, it as his fault that Lapis had died on that plane crash. He should have never asked her to go with him in the first place. He was such a shitty friend. He wanted to cry, but no tears would come out, he wanted to scream, but he had no voice, and he wanted to punch something, but that was impossible too. So, he just sat there, his thoughts all over the place, until he let sleep consume him.


	2. The Storm's Darkness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CONTENT WARNINGS MENTION OF DOMESTIC ABUSE. Hey! I am getting a lot of views on this, so I thought I write more of it! Did you like the ending of the last chapter? Well, here is the new chapter guys. I do hope you like it. - XDomoX

**"'Darkness only exist so you can see the stars shine ..."**

**April 17th, 2017**

Steven had to have two nurses take him out of his bed and dress him, it made him feel uncomfortable, but he was glad to go home. They had provided him with a wheel chair which they usually wouldn't do, but the nurses had loved him so much, that they couldn't help it. His favorite nurse out of all of them that helped him was Opal. She had a pretty voice and was quite talented with telling jokes. She rolled him out to the front of the hospital where they waited for a good thirty minutes, Garnet was supposed to pick him up twenty minutes ago.

Pearl was an Astrophysicist, she worked at the Elysium Station in Emerald City, a secondary station for CBAS or Corona Borealis Space Administration. They wanted her to work at the main station which is in Criateen Park which was across the country, Pearl declined the offer as she had Garnet and then he came into the picture. "'Sweetie, where are you parents?" He looked at the new phone Pearl had bought him a few days ago, no missed calls.

"I have no idea …" Maybe they decided that they didn't care about him … maybe they really did hate him for what happened. If it wasn't for him, Lapis Luxton would still be here. His mom would be here too, maybe they hated him for that too. He always thought that … if he wasn't born then complications with the pregnancy wouldn't have happened, and his mom would still be here with them. Everybody would be happy, tears wanted to spill from his eyes, but he wouldn't let them. It was pointless to cry, he also didn't want Opal to see him cry.

He just couldn't help, but think those thoughts. It was his fault for everything, everybody loved Lapis and Rose so much. Especially Rose, Rose was there for everybody, when Pearl and Amethyst's mom was on one of her episodes they would run to Rose. Rose was three years older than Pearl, but nonetheless she was there for them. Rose acted like a motherly figure to Amethyst, and was there for her when Amethyst felt like on the brick of falling off the edge. Then Garnet came into the picture, Rose helped her come to terms with the bullies in her life, always teasing her about having gay parents, she always told her it was okay to be different, it's okay to have two parents who was gay, that talk made Garnet closer to her two parents.

Steven sometimes wished he knew his mother, maybe she could have helped him through this empty numb feeling inside of him. A car then pulled up in front of them, the windows was tinted, so he couldn't see who it was. The passenger side door opened and Sapphire had stepped out. "Sapphy! I told you I got this! Get back in the car!" Ruby called as she ran around the side, fast for an old woman like herself. They had sent his grandmothers after him? Where was his dad? Garnet?

"No, Ruby, I got this." She said waving her stick around almost hitting Ruby. "Where is Steven?" She tapped around before hitting his leg which looked hard, but he didn't feel it at all. Opal had chuckled, "Who is that?"

"I am Opal, Steven's nurse, you must be his grandmothers. Are you ready to go Steven?" Steven nodded, he guessed he was. Ruby opened the back door for them, and Opal had to call another nurse to help him inside the car He and Ruby tried to do their best to help as well. When he was finally in the car, he could relax and try to make the pain to go away. Ruby helped Opal put the wheel chair in the back trunk, then Opal came around and waved at him. "I hope you start feeling better, Steven." With those words she was gone, and he felt lonelier more than ever.

"Steven! I'm sorry we were the ones to pick you up! No one else could make it …" Sapphire looked behind her like she could see him, even if she was blind. He shrugged, and didn't answer, it was slightly uncomfortable as he barely knew any of them.

"Instead of taking me home, can you just take me to the Fish Stew Pizza? I do not want to go home straight away." The car slowed as it reached a stop light, there was silence which made him more uncomfortable than before.

"I do not think that is a good idea, you just got out of the hospital …" Ruby started to say, before she sped up again heading to the direction of his house.

" _Mémère_ , I'm hungry … please?" Steven begged, before sighing giving up. He leaned against the window and looked out it, watching everything go by a blur, then the car made a sharp turn making him grunt in pain. He looked out the windshield, they were not heading towards the house anymore, "Wait … what are you doing?"

"You said you were hungry … we are going to get pizza." Sapphire said gleefully, she looked back at Steven worse again and gave him her signature smile. They pulled up in the drive away of Fish Stew's Pizza, Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny was standing around. Buck had a cigarette in his mouth, but immediately dropped it and smashed it out. They looked at the car and watched as Ruby and Sapphire got out, Ruby walked around the car and opened Steven's door. "You three over there, yeah, I might be blind, but my nose still works. The two boys, the one with the loud headphones and the one that smells like cigarettes, help us with Steven. The girl who smells of perfume and pizza, help Ruby with the wheel chair please."

Steven watched as the Cool Kids ran to help, he never seen them like this before usually only keeping to themselves because people disapproved of their polyamorous relationship they had. Buck and Sour Cream grabbed Steven awkwardly from the car when he was out they wrapped his arms around their shoulders waiting for Jenny to get the wheel chair from the trunk. After just a minute, Jenny rolled it over and the two boys set down Steven in the chair.

"Thanks, you guys, I appreciate all the help …" Steven mumbled, and chuckled lightly. He felt useless in some way, like he was just a body that can't do anything proper anymore. He couldn't feel his legs, his ribs hurt, and his arm was broken so he couldn't help them pick up his weight.

"Sorry, we couldn't see you in the hospital, Steven." Sour Cream spoke as he pushed Steven alongside the others towards the entrance of the pizzeria. Steven shrugged.

"It's alright, I understand …"

"You look looked a million miles away, man." Buck opened one side of the double doors, as Jenny opened the other side. Ruby and Sapphire went in thanking them, as Sour Cream pushed Steven inside after them. Does he? Maybe he was spacing? He just didn't like all the attention he was receiving. He didn't need it, he wasn't worth all the attention.

"Do I? I must be spacing." He mumbled and was placed at a table in the corner of the pizzeria. "Thank you again," he said and waved goodbye to the Cool Kids. Sapphire sat across from him, pushing in her walking stick setting it down on the table. He watched as Ruby went up to the front of the restaurant to order the pizza. So, it was just Sapphire and Steven sitting there in uncomfortable silence.

Ruby finally came back and sat down with Sapphire, "I ordered a large pizza with extra cheese, pepperoni, and mushrooms. Is that alright with you, Steven?" He nodded and smiled softly. "You do not talk much do you?" He shook his head and his cheeks went red a little. "Ah, that's okay. When you were a baby, you used to speak so much, you must have left that faze behind. Is there anything bugging you lately?"

"I … lost one of my best friends in a plane crash … I am just mourning her death. I'll be okay, thought, I promise." He tilted his head to the side and smiled brightly, trying to convince them that he was okay. They looked uncertain with what he said, but they closed their mouths about the subject. Sapphire asked some questions and he answered politely until the pizza came.

Jenny's twin sister, Kiki, waked out with the pizza and set in front of them with plates. "Hey there, Steven! It's good to see that you are okay, I am sorry about Lapis though. She was one of our best supporters here at the Pizzeria. We would never forget how she raised the money for the new roof and still ran her Aquarium." Steven's heart clenched tightly, his shaggy overgrown hair fell into his face, before he forced a smile on his face.

"Yes, thank you. She was really looking out for Beach City …" he took a deep breath so he wouldn't break down, "She loved this place as much as she loved her Aquarium …" He clenched his fist under the table a slightly clenched his other fist with the cast on his arm. He looked down at the table until Kiki left, and Ruby put a piece of pizza in front of him, he felt the tears wanting to spill. He shook his head and wiped what did come out of his eyes, before looking up and smiling at Ruby and Sapphire. "Bamboo,  _Mémère_  … how is your pizza?"

"It is delicious ..." Sapphire trailed off as she took a bite of the pizza, she could tell something was off with Steven, but she didn't want to push any further. Steven wasn't going to tell her anything anyway. She sighed, and ate her pizza in silent, saying a couple of words to Ruby here and there. Ruby on the other hand watched Steven, seeing him barely even touched his pizza.

Steven could feel their eyes on him, and he took a bite of his pizza, but he wasn't feeling like eating like he did before this. He could feel like they were worried for him, and they shouldn't be. There was nothing to be worried about, he was perfectly fine. His eyes went over to the door where the bell went off, walked in was Sadie and Lars, they must be on their lunch break.

"It is delicious ..." Sapphire trailed off as she took a bite of the pizza, she could tell something was off with Steven, but she didn't want to push any further. Steven wasn't going to tell her anything anyway. She sighed, and ate her pizza in silent, saying a couple of words to Ruby here and there. Ruby on the other hand watched Steven, seeing him barely even touched his pizza.

Steven could feel their eyes on him, and he took a bite of his pizza, but he wasn't feeling like eating like he did before this. He could feel like they were worried for him, and they shouldn't be. There was nothing to be worried about, he was perfectly fine. His eyes went over to the door where the bell went off, walked in was Sadie and Lars, they must be on their lunch break.

They apparently didn't notice him as they sat behind their table, they were too busy bickering. Knowing he wasn't supposed to eavesdrops, but he couldn't help what he heard, and wanted more of it. "Look, Lars, I didn't mean to walk in on you in the bathroom … I didn't know you were in there, you never told me …"

"That's not why I am upset, Sadie …" Lars truly did sound upset, and he wondered why. "You just caught me in my most vulnerable …" Both of their voices were lowered now, but Steven was still able to hear them clearly. "I didn't want you to see me like that …"

"Lars, listen to me," Sadie pleaded with him, "I don't understand what I saw, but whatever it is that you've been hiding from me, I support you to the fullest." Her voice was full of so much emotion it wanted to make Steven cringe. "I also saw the scars … Lars … on your stomach, and the fresh new ones … Why didn't you tell me you did it again?" Her voice become quieter as she said it. He had to strain to hear what she was talking about.

"You won't support it once you know, who and what I am … so it doesn't matter anyway. It's done and over with. What I do, Sadie, is my own business." Lars voice was cracking like he wanted to cry, I took a glance over at Sadie who had tears in her own eyes, she reached over and grabbed Lars hand, squeezing it.

"Lars, look, whoever you are, I love you, I'll support you fully. You are just going at all the wrong way. I always love you for you, I know you have been depressed lately, but I need you to talk to me about it, cutting isn't the answer. Harming yourself is never the answer." Steven kept taking small glances at them, seeing tears fall on the table from Lars, he never seen him cry before. "I do not want to lose you, you are my player number one."

There was silence for a few minutes as Steven took a bite from his pizza, he acted like he didn't hear anything. "I'm a t-transgender, Sadie … f-female to m-male …" Lars was stuttering and Steven tried to hold back the surprised gasp that wanted to come out. "What you saw in the bathroom … was me adjusting my binder. That's why I was so upset earlier."

"Oh Lars, why didn't you tell me before? How long have we been friends?" Sadie's voice was full of more emotion than before. "I support you to the fullest, you are still the handsome boy that I fell in love with no matter who you are." Both stood up, and hugged each other. "So, please, at least for me, stop harming yourself." Lars whispered something, that Steven couldn't hear, but watched as he turned walking towards the front of the restaurant probably going to go order pizza.

“Hey Sadie, go to see you.” Steven mumbled making Sadie jumped and grab where her heart was located like she was having a heart attack. “Oh, I’m sorry, did I frighten you? I didn’t mean too.”

“No, no, you’re fine, I just didn’t know you were there is all. How long have you been here?” She asked biting her lip, she looked worried like Steven might have heard their conversation just a minute prior.

“Do not worry, I won’t say anything …” Steven mumbled before pulling up the break on his wheel chair, he rolled back a bit. “Bamboo, _Mémère,_ can we go now please, I’m tired and just want to go lay down.” Ruby nodded got up to get a box, one they were done putting the pizza away, the Cool Kids had helped them back into the car. They were home within thirty minutes at the max, and he was glad he was. When they pulled up, they saw Amethyst’s motorcycle parked in the garage that was open.

Amethyst was sitting on the ground her hair was in a ponytail sticking out of the end of her hat, she was wearing a use to white shirt now covered in grease with her sleeves rolled up and the middle of her shirt tied with a hair band. As she stood up and stretched, he noticed the rip skinny jeans she was wearing, Pearl wouldn’t have approved. Pearl wouldn’t approve with the fact that Amethyst had one of her arms a sleeve of tattoos and the other one scattered with little bits of tattoos. She waved as she saw the car, pull into the drive away, Steven didn’t bother to wave back as he knew she wouldn’t see him.

He watched her walk around and help Ruby with his wheel chair, before coming around and helping him in his chair, for a small girl she could lift. “Hey Steven! I was wondering when you were going to come back! I was looking for you!” She said excitedly, his grandmothers went inside leaving Steven alone with Amethyst. All he wanted to do was go lay down, and here is Amethyst not letting him. She rolled me into the garage turning the light on inside, and shutting the garage door. “I wanted to talk to you, Steven … just us, with no grandparents, Pearl or Garnet.”

Steven was taken back a bit, Amethyst was acting serious here, and that was unusual for the girl who was always so happy and full of energy. “What is it?” He asked her a little suspicious now, it was growing as Amethyst shifted from foot to foot. She took her hat off and undid her ponytail, running her hand through her hair. He waited impatiently for her to say something to him.

“Well, we are worried for you, Steven. Ever since you dis- I mean … ugh … ever since the plane crash and losing Lapis, ever since you were bound to the hospital and now a wheel chair, you’ve been different …” Amethyst mumbled before she kicked a metal can before sighing and picking it up. Steven narrowed his eyes, of course, she was blaming him for this wasn’t she?

“Ever since I disobeyed my parents, and got Lapis killed, huh? That's what you were going to say? Do you blame me for mom's death too?” He snapped, and her face was a look of horror when the question spurted out. Her face then went grave, “How much do you miss mom, Amethyst?”

 “I don't … blame you for Rose's death … Steven, where is this all coming from? I miss Rose a lot, but I don't blame you, Lil'man.” Amethyst seemed to drag out her words carefully, her fists were clenched, and she looked like she was trying hard not to cry. She opened the garage door, and walked over to her bike, “I’m sorry, Steven, but you know it’s hard to talk about this, so I am going to go for a ride, I’ll see you later, man.” She got on her back started it up, and kicked off, she was gone out of his view within seconds. He growled in frustration, sitting there he now felt drained and tired, like he didn’t really want to do anything.

 It took all he can muster up to even call Ruby, to help him up the step of the garage to go inside. He wasn’t even able to get up to his actual room because it was in the attic so he was helped onto the couch by his grandparents, covered in a blanket, and left there to stare up at the ceiling. He must have dosed off because he was awakened by Garnet, who helped him sit up a bit. “Good evening, Steven …” He looked at her before looking away towards the TV which had on _The Golden Girls._ Ruby and Sapphire must have been in here watching TV, because Garnet wasn’t the type to watch these shows. “Is everything okay?” He nodded, “Are you going to talk to me?”

Steven watched as she sat down at his feet, “Yes, Garnet, I am going to talk to you. Why are you being so pushy lately?” He snapped, Garnet was taken back, and he regretted snapping at his mom. She looked a bit hurt by it and that just made things worse. “I’m sorry, G-mom … yes, I will talk to you. Everything is okay, I am fine, just tired is all.” He responded more softly that time.

“Steven …” Her voice was soft and soothing, “… you can talk to me. I am sorry, about what happened to Lapis, what happened to you. You knew even if you tired there was no way to save Lapis from the crash, doctors were surprised when you came out of there alive.” She stopped to recollect her thoughts, “It was her fate to go down like that. She lived a long and steady life. She had to go one point or another. All of us do.” Steven didn’t feel like arguing with her, why was she saying all this to him, though? Lapis didn’t live a long and steady life. She was twenty-four years old, she barely lived at all.

He sat there as tears brimmed his eyes, he shook his head and wiped them away. “She didn’t. All her life she was abused, hurt and broken by her family, her father did unpredictable things to her until she could escape when she was sixteen by being sent to foster care. Even there she didn’t belong, she was hurt more times than we can count. She never got to see the world that you, or I grew up in. She grew up with a life of pain, Lapis was afraid to be alone by herself, Garnet. She wanted somewhere to call home, when she thought she found it, it was snatched away from her. Being in that abusive relationship, broke her more into pieces.” He took a deep breath and wiped the tears away again, “Then she met Peridot, he gave her a reason to keep living, he slowly mended her broken body, but I snatched that away from them both. If I didn’t have her come with me, she would still be alive. Just like mom, if I wasn’t born, then she would still be here with you, Pearl, dad, and Amethyst.”

Garnet stood up, he could see the tears forming in her eyes, and then she walked away from him. Going up the stairs, he heard a door slam shut, and he flinched. Managing to scoot down by himself, he pulled the blanket over his head, he wanted to sleep for days on end. That’s all.

* * *

_“Steven … Steven … Can you hear me?” That voice. Who did that voice belong to? “Steven … open your eyes.” He did, it felt like they were nailed shut as he tried to pull them open. As he opened them and blinked a couple of times, trying to get everything to stop being so blurry. When it as starting to clear up, there was a blue shadow lighting up the darkness that surrounded him. What was going on? “Why did this happen? Why did you let me die?” That voice sounded louder and more familiar._

_“Lapis? ...” He was so unsure, looking around, he noticed that he was floating in midair. The scenery changed, he was floating in the space, before dropping on a big blue tower. It had felt wet to him, looking down it was a giant tower of water. There were all sorts of different sea animals floating underneath him. He started to freak out, thinking he couldn’t breathe because he was in outer space. When he couldn’t hold his breath any longer he took a big gulp of non-existing air when he noticed he was able to breath._

_He saw a figure in front of him, when he turned around he saw Lapis Lazuli Luxton staring at him. Her eyes were milky white, and soulless. “You let me die, Steven … you watched me as my life drained from body on the ground. You did nothing to help me. How could you have let me die?” She started to shake violently, “It’s all your fault that I am dead now, Steven!” She was starting to yell and his eyes went wide, and Lapis mouth opened as a blood churning scream escaped her mouth. It opened wide like an old horror movie monster, that had consumed her whole body._

_The scene changed once again, to Rose’s garden behind the house, with the massive strawberry plants. He was in the feral position._

* * *

He woke up in the upright position, his arm which was in the cast was throbbing and his whole body hurt so bad. The sixteen-year-old was covered in sweat from head to toe, looking around he was in a bedroom, but not his own. He was in the one that Ruby and Sapphire was supposed to have, why was he in this one? His door then opened, to reveal Pearl in her pink robe and messy peach hair. “Steven, sweetie, are you okay? I heard you scream, and came as soon as I could.” Her voice was soothing, as she walked over and sat near me on the edge of the bed, her hand gently touched my arm, her face was full of worry.

He could feel his heart rapidly beating in his chest, and he took a deep breath even if it hurt his ribs, it was just a nightmare. Just a nightmare, he kept telling himself. It seemed so real. What if she really did want him to do something back then? What is she regretted going with him on that plane crash and hated him until the second she had died? Steven ignored Pearl, as he grabbed the pillow and shoved it in his face crying. He ignored her as she tried to comfort him, she was doing a good job, but he didn’t care. He ignored her when she tried to ask him what his dream was about.

He had ignored her, when she said everything was going to be okay. Everything wasn’t going to be okay, it wasn’t going to be okay at all. He could have figured out a way to help her, he could have figured out away for her not to suffer like she did. Could he have? When she gave up on trying to comfort me, she went and stood up, that’s when he grabbed her wrist, and looked up at the tall woman. “It's my fault, isn't it? Everything is my fault. We wouldn't have been on that plane, if mom was here, and not me. If mom was here, Lapis wouldn't have died. You all wouldn't hate me, either.”

“Steven,” Pearl stopped before biting her lip, confirming what I was thinking. “We … I …”

“Save it, you are like the others. You all hate me.” He let go of her wrist, she stood there before she walked away. They all blamed him for Lapis' and mom's death. He knew they did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow guys, what an emotional roller coaster this chapter was ... my poor Steven and then my baby Lars ... he was so afraid of what Sadie would think of him. And then damn ... Lapis' backstory man ... this chapter was hard to write, espesically when its 6 in the morning as I am posting this chapter. Anyway, please review, kudos, vote, whatever you do on whatever site I post this on. XD Until next time - XDomoX


	3. Every Thorn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, here is chapter three of the story. I am trying to stay close to the original as I can, but with different aspects. I am going to try to keep these steady chapters going. I have a month until school starts, so I am going to try and get a lot done before then. I'll see you on the other side -XDomoX

**_"Some people are like thorns. But you have to let them be thorns, because thorns can't turn into petals. The trick is not letting them prick you; never let a thorn prick you!"_ **- C. JoyBell C.** **

**April 19 th, 2017**

It gets bad when you do not remember how many days had passed since the incident, that you are just numb from everything around you. Where you do not even care anymore, you know when you are the deep if it gets like that. Steven felt like that as he sat on the couch in the living, watching his favorite cartoon, _Crying Breakfast Friends._ He came to be more distant with his family, not doing the activities they normally would do, not talking to them as much.

All he did was sleep, watch TV, and when he had to talk to one of his moms was to do his walking exercises. He also sometimes plays his _Nintendo 64,_ but it wasn’t fun anymore to him. His best friend, Connie, would come and visit him, usually bringing him homework from school and get-well cards. Those visits were extremely awkward and uncomfortable for him, he didn’t want to hurt her like he had hurt Lapis.

Two days since that nightmare, and ever since then, Pearl barely even made eye contact with him, it was like she was guilty of something, and doesn’t want to admit it Whatever it was she wasn’t being a parent. Amethyst, after he talked to her, she has been avoiding him, but not as much as the others, she at least tried. Garnet, she was always at the boxing rink now, staying over time and teaching. He wanted to stand up and go somewhere, not sit here like a bum, who can’t do anything, he even needed help getting to the bathroom.  
  
Now, he was alone at the house with only Pearl in her study, all the others were one pretty much 50% of the time. He heard the study door open and close, soft footsteps came down the stairs, it was Pearl. They made eye contact for a split second before she looked away and went to the kitchen. The kitchen was blocked off by a door and a wall, where the wall had a large opening, with a bar in it. Three stools were on the side with the living room, he watched Pearl get into the cupboards. She was wearing her work attire, they might want her back into the office.

“Good evening, Steven, what would you like for lunch?” She asked and looked over his way to see him shrug.

“It doesn’t matter, whatever you make, I’ll eat.” Steven had no emotion in his voice whatsoever. He never really felt anything anymore, well, he did, but not the type of emotions they wanted him to feel. Everything was always so numb for him. He heard Pearl click her tongue in protest, as he cocked an eyebrow to hear her response. Pearl didn’t say anything though, she huffed and grabbed some things out of the cupboards.

The front door then opened, to reveal his dad, a plump man with a dark-beige beard surrounding his mouth, his hair was taupe styled in a mullet that went down to his waist, with dark-taupe eyes and a large bald spot on the top of his head. Instead of his unusual tank top with grey shorts, he was wearing nice jeans and a black shirt. “Hey kiddo, it’s been awhile, son.” Greg was recently on tour for his recent album _Water Witch_ , and has been for the past couple of months, so it was weird to see him here now. He was saying that he was going to come see him when he was in the hospital, but it never happened.

“Ah! Good Greg, I have to go to work, so can you stay with Steven, until Garnet comes back?” Pearl said as she grabbed her purse and kids, Greg gave her a thumb up, sitting next to Steven. “Great, behave, I do not need to see my house destroyed, understand?” Again, Greg gave her a thumb up, not responding. Pearl sighed, “Steven, be good, I’ll be back.” She rushed out of the front door without another word.

“What brings you around?” Steven said bitterly, “You finally came to see your own son, after he is out of the hospital? What a great father you are.” Greg looked at his son in shock, this wasn’t his Steven, his Steven as always glad to see him, no matter what. 

“Are you okay, son? This isn’t you …”

Steven looked at him, feeling a little bad that he was like that to him. He shrugged. “I haven’t been myself lately … since … since … I took Lapis’ life …” He was barely able to choke out the words, he hated to repeat that, he hated to hear himself say those words. Those words haunt him.

“Ah ...” His dad paused for a second, “Yes, Pearl told me this … why are you still caught up with this, Steven? I mean I wasn’t there, so I have no idea what happened, but I do know, when you love somebody very much, and you know you did everything to make them happy, then suddenly they are gone from your life the next day. You just need to deal with the pain, you don’t need to sulk around and blame yourself for something you didn’t do or couldn’t prevent.” He rubbed his palms on his jeans giving Steven time to think a little about it.

“It’s all my fault, though. My family hates me, my friends hate me. They hate me because I am like this, I can’t take care of myself anymore. They hate me because I took mom away from them, if I was never born then everybody would have been happy. I am a murderer because I took Lapis along with me on that plane when I disobeyed Pearl and Garnet.” He could practically feel his father’s eyes bore right into him.

Greg took a deep breath, “Pain is just an emotion, you can control it, live your life, Steven. Your mothers … they do not hate you. Your friends do not hate you. The plane crash that took Lapis was not your fault.”

“Do you blame me for mom’s death?”

His dad was silent for only a second, before answering his question. “You didn’t take Rose away from us, complications did, it was not your fault whatsoever. I do not blame you for her death. Your mother, it took me forever to deal with the pain of losing her. Now, I have you. And that’s all that matters. You are the best thing that came into my life after your mom. You are my everything, and you are so much like her. She would have been very proud of you, my son. Like I am. I am so very proud of you, you scare me to death, when you disobey your guardians, but you try everything your hardest,” my dad scooted closer and hugged him, and he hugged him back tightly, burying his head into his chest. The smell of his cologne filled his nose.

"They blame me. I can feel it. I can feel how they resent me, how much they miss mom." He started to cry as they hugged, his shirt was soaked by the time Steven had calmed down. "I-I'm sorry..." His dad just chuckled and shook his head.

"Ah, don't worry, I got more where this came from. Steven, I don't think they blame you. Have a talk with them, if you talk things out, then everything will be fine. If every hot dog was perfect, then we wouldn't have pork chops." Steven laughed at his dad's stupidest sayings, it always made him feel better because it was one of his favorites. He hugged his dad, feeling a little bit better, when he pulled away.

* * *

Greg had taken Steven out to eat, it wasn’t until the sky was covered in oranges, reds, pinks, and purples that he had made it back to the house. The Garage was open to reveal Garnet’s car, and in the drive away was Pearl’s and beside hers was Amethyst’s motorcycle. Ruby and Sapphire usually uses Garnet’s car, so they must be home as well. Greg helped Steven back into his wheel chair and offered to take him up the ramp that Pearl installed just yesterday, but Steven declined “I got this, thank you.” They said goodbye, and Steven watched as his dad drove off.

Steven’s guts were turning in his stomach, he was in high spirits to talk to the family about his feelings and theirs, but he was nervous as hell. Steven pushed the wheels on the wheel chair with a little difficulty because of his broken arm, but he had managed to get himself on the ramp. The lights were on shining through the cracked living room window, the curtains were pulled back a little as well, enough to see that all of them were in there. Ruby and Sapphire were the only ones who was not talking or arguing they looked quite concerned about what the others were going on about.

Didn’t want to disturb their talk, so he rolled back a bit still able to see them through the window and heard them, but not right in front of the window. Their voices started to increase as time passed through, they were talking about him. “Steven … he isn’t himself, Pearl, you see that right? He is sick.” It was Amethyst that was speaking, “He doesn’t go anywhere with us anymore, all he likes to do his rot his brain with TV or sleep. He asked you about Rose, didn’t he?” There was silence, and he watched their faces, telling her what they all knew. “He also can’t get over the fact that Lapis had passed away, I do not understand why he is so caught up in here.”

It hurt him that they didn’t understand what he was going through. They should, they had lost mom, and he just lost his best friend. They should understand what he was going through. He watched them, Pearl looked like a mess, her hair was out of place, and she was shifting back and forth, she was still in her work attire. Garnet had taken off her glasses for a second to wipe her eyes, before she put them back on, she opened her mouth to speak until Sapphire did it for her.

“Amethyst, dear, look at me. You have lost someone in your life, right? You had lost Rose, we all have lost Rose. Rose was like a second daughter to me, it was hard to see her go. You need to understand what Steven is going through by losing Lapis.” She said softly as everyone stared at her, Steven felt relieved that she understood.

“Thank you, _maman_. Steven is like Rose way more than we think, Yes, he is our son, in every single aspect, but he took after Rose so much. He loves everything and anything living. To see someone, die, like Lapis, it is heart wrenching for him.” Her voice was soft, but full of so much emotion than usual for the dark skin female. “As for Rose, I think the feelings, he is building up from Lapis, is getting to him with Rose. He thinks we blame him for her death.”

“Well … even if Steven is the happiest thing to come in our lives, we would still have, Rose, if she didn’t have, Steven …” Steven’s heart cracked into a million pieces, “I love you, Garnet, you know I do, and will always, I would walk a thousand miles to just be with you. But, I would still have my Rose, I would still have my rock to lean on, my strength. She showed me how to be who I am today, Garnet.” Pearl’s arm was crossed as her hands ran up and down them. He watched Amethyst and Garnet’s face fall, Garnet covered her face features quicker than Amethyst who looked more surprised than anything.

“We wanted Steven, Pearl, we made the decision to have Rose give birth for us … this isn’t his fault.” Garnet’s voice was strained she turned her away from Pearl. Steven knew they had resented him, he knew they were lying to him this whole time.

“I didn’t expect her to leave us though. She left us, she left, she left us with that—“ Pearl’s voice was starting to rise more and tears welled in Steven’s eyes as was prepared to take off. “He should feel like what he is now, look what he got himself into, he had disobeyed us, Garnet! ROSE LEFT US WITH A NO GOOD –“

“GUYS! PEARL! STEVEN!” Amethyst snapped, her eyes had met his, and tears welled up in hers like his, she pointed to where he was by the window. Tears wouldn’t stop running down his face, snot and all, did they all feel like that? Was I no good? Ruby and Sapphire also stood up, they all went over to the door, but Steven was already on the sidewalk in front of the house.

“Steven … listen to us …” Garnet was the who started to carefully talk to him, he shook his head, and slowly started to push his wheel chair.

“I knew you all hated me because I took Rose away from you. Why did you hide it from me?” He shook his head and started to push the wheel chair a little harder down the sidewalk. He heard shouting behind him, and large footsteps following. A hand touched his shoulder, with quick motion his hand reached around and slapped whoever had touched him. His head turned to look who he had slapped, it was Pearl, her pale cheek was stained red with a hand print. He shook his head, he had once slapped Garnet, and now he had slapped Pearl, something was wrong with him. He pushed off and gained speed a bit from the slope of the road, he was soon out of sight from his family.

The sun was down, and the only light was from the stars and the moon in the night sky. Steven didn’t hear anymore footsteps behind him, so he had slowed down. His breathing was murdering his ribs, and his arm was throbbing bringing tears to his eyes. His vision was blurry, and his breaths came in short and hard. He felt like his throat was closing on him as he couldn’t get enough air into his lungs. Closing his eyes, he sat there, took a breath through his nose and let it out of his mouth, he did that a couple of time before he finally calmed down enough that he wasn’t panicking.

He opened his eyes and he was on the dock over-looking the ocean, he made sure his brake was tightening so he wouldn’t go anywhere. The ocean was calm, and lit up by the moon that shone down on it. He took a deep breath and ran his hand through his hair, his chest and his head hurt. There was so much pain, he wanted it all to go away. He thought talking to the family would be okay, but no, they hated him. Especially, Pearl. He let his hand hang down of the chair, when he had felt something cut him. The pain felt amazing to him, it let his mind drift to something else.

When his hand went down again, he grabbed what had cut him. A rock. A very sharp roc at that. Sadie and Lars’ conversation went through his head, about the cutting, did it really help with the pain of what he was going through? Would it help the pain that Steven was going through? He bit his lip as he held the rock in his hand. He didn’t know where to cut, he would his arms, but he didn’t have any long sleeves. He wanted to do his legs, but it was pointless as she couldn’t feel them.

Lifting his shirt, he poked his stomach, he had feeling there, so maybe that would work for him. His hand with the rock went down to his stomach, biting his lip harder, to the point where it had broken open. He pushed the rock against his stomach and slowly dragged it across, he hissed at the pain that it caused. However, after it was over with it felt a bit good, and got his mind somewhere else. He managed to put in a couple of more before he heard footsteps coming up behind him, he panicked throwing the rock in the ocean.

“Hey, kid, what are you doing here?” The voice was male, and deep with a slight Irish accent to it, he didn’t recognize the voice at all. “It’s pretty late to be out here.” The man walked around to face Steven, when he realized that this man, was a boy, around the same age as him. He only knew that because he had seen him around school and had a class with him. “Oh! Steven! It’s you, I haven’t seen you at school, but I guess you’ll be out because of what happened.”

Steven tried to remember what the boy’s name was, then it clicked, “John C. Moore …”

“Uh, that’s right dude … did you not remember me, man?” He asked and chuckled a bit before he went to the side of Steven and sat down with his knees to his chest. Steven looked over at him, to see that he was wearing his faded orange hoodie, his blue jeans with ripped holds in the knees, and he as sucking on his lip piercing. John looked up at him with his deep brown eyes, he looked like he cared.

“No, no, I remember you, it just took me a minute. I’m sorry, I’ve been out of it lately.” Steven chuckled a little, these two never interacted this much before, and it was a little weird for him. “What are you doing out here, John?” He asked him, taking a glance his way before looking back out to the ocean.

“Peridot, came home drunk, and passed out on the couch. I didn’t really want to be around that so I came out for a walk. Where are your moms, dude?” That was right, John was Peridot was John’s cousin, they were related by their moms. Steven shrugged his hand went to his shirt, which felt sticky and warm, when he lifted his hand, there was blood on it. He must have cut deeper than he thought. “Steven, are you bleeding?” He asked, scooting around to face Steven, he had no fight to lift the shirt to reveal the cuts. “Oh, no, is that what you were doing out here?”

John had lift his jacket over his head, underneath was a red shirt with “Great Times” written in white letters. He took that shirt off to press it against Steven’s stomach, who had to look away from not staring. “You are going to get your shirt ruined …” John chuckled and shook his head, “Are you sure?”

“Do not worry, I know how to get it out of a shirt. There, it should stop bleeding now. Maybe we should get you home, man.” John had put back on his sweat shirt and hung the shirt on the back of the wheel chair. “Your moms must be worried about you.”

“I don’t want to go home, John, I hate it there …” Steven sighed, “They hate me, John, I heard them myself, they don’t want me around.”

John put a hand on Steven’s leg, “Look at me, Steven, do you know why I went to go live with Peridot, and Lapis? Because my life was a shit hole, my mom had abuse boyfriends after abusive boyfriends. They never laid a hand on me, it was mostly had verbal abuse, then it went too far where I had lost my mom after she had overdosed with her boyfriend on a powerful drug.” Steven didn’t know why John was telling him this and it made him uncomfortable. “Dude, I am not trying to make you uncomfortable, I am telling you this, because whatever you heard from your moms, is just because of stress. Come on, man, let’s get you home.” He patted his leg and stood up, he as tall, as tall as Pearl, with a slight slouch to him.

John unlocked the brake on the chair, and took the handles turning Steven around, he pushed him all the way towards his house. He got there and there was only one light on, in the living room, John pushed Steven up the ramp to the door, and knocked. Steven had forgotten his key somewhere in the house. The person who had unlocked the door was Amethyst, who was happy to see Steven. “Steven! Thank god you are okay!” She wrapped her arms around him and he winched a bit. Yeah, he wasn’t okay, but he wasn’t going to say anything.

“Hi, I’m John Moore, Peridot’s cousin.” John held out a hand and firmly shook Amethyst’s. “I also go to school with Steven here. I found him on the dock, do you mind if I come in?” Amethyst shook her head, and let John help Steven inside the house, she shut the door behind him. “He accidentally fell and cut his stomach, I managed to stop the bleeding, but he will need it to be cleaned and put a bandaged on.” Amethyst walked to the bathroom, bringing back the first aid kit, John helped Steven out of his shirt so Amethyst could bandage him up. Once he was done, he was left there with no shirt. “Do you mind if I stay the night? Peridot is having a moment at the house, and it’s too dark to walk back home.”

“Yeah, sure, no problem. I don’t think Pearl would mind. Let’s get Steven to his room though, and then I’ll help you set up a bed on the couch.” John pushed Steven’s wheel chair to the bedroom in the hallway.

It was just John and Steven in Steven’s room, Amethyst went to get things for John to be on the couch. “’Hey, I want to thank you for helping me, John … I appreciate it man. You didn’t really have to do any of this.” He said as John, picked Steven up, setting him down on the bed, he was stronger than he looked. He took off Steven’s shoes, and set them down near the bed, before pulling the covers on him. It was almost like what Pearl used to do, a sharp pang hit his heart as he thought about it.

“Do not worry about, Steven. I’m your friend,  I am going to be here for you. Now get some sleep, I’ll see you in the morning.” John walked out of the room, shutting the door. He heard talking from the other side of his door as it descended the hallway. Steven didn’t realize how tired he was until he couldn’t keep his eyes open anymore.

* * *

**April 20 th, 1017 **         

John was the one who had helped Steven out of bed that morning, and into his wheel chair, it was spring break for them, so they didn’t have to go to school. He pushed Steven to the bar, where Garnet was there making breakfast. “Good morning, Garnet,” John held out his hand to Garnet who took it in hers. “Are you ready for today? I think I am ready to go against you now.” He sounded so sure, but a goofy smile was on his face. Garnet set down her coffee to tighten her burgundy robe around her more.

“Good morning,  Johnathan, and are you sure about that? I mean, you are showing excellent work in the gym, but are you sure?” Garnet had a smirk on her face before she turned around to stir the bacon in the pan, it was obvious the food was for everyone, but Pearl, who was vegan.

“I am positive, ma’am. Anyway, I better get home before Peridot wakes up. Call me later, Steven, we will hang out.” He ruffled his hair until he said goodbye to Garnet, and walked out of the house. Steven sat there in his chair uncomfortable to be alone with Garnet.

“Steven …” Garnet said slowly, he wouldn’t look at her even when she put a plate of food in front of him. “I have to run errands today; would you like to go with me? It would be a very special mission.” She winked as she took a sip of her coffee, when Steven was younger he used to have a wild imagination that his family were all gems that matched their names. And they would go on missions to fight corrupted gems, to save the Earth. It was all fun and games until he was fourteen when he had stopped believing in all that, but hearing that made him smile a little bit. It wasn’t going to change how he felt about them, he knew they all resented him.

“Um,” Maybe, if he spent time with Garnet, then they wouldn’t resent him, maybe they could be a family again. Maybe it would get his mind off things as well. “Sure,” he told her and started to eat his food, Garnet ruffled his hair and walked upstairs. Amethyst walked out of the bathroom, over to Steven, she had the first aid kit in her hand.

“John, told me what you did, and I’m disappointed in you,  Steven, but I am not going to lecture you. Whatever you are going through, that’s your problem. Just don’t let Pearl or Garnet see, they will flip a shit. Here I need to change your bandages.” Amethyst went to lift his shirt up, when he slapped her hands away. “What the hell, Steven? What the fuck is your problem, man?”

“Don’t effing touch me, Amethyst. I don’t need your sympathy, I’m sick remember? Don’t want to catch what I have. That’s just my problem though, right?” He snapped, and pushed his chair back away from her.

Garnet walked down the stairs holding Steven’s hamburger backpack, something pink and cardboard hung out of the open flap. She was dressed in a dark navy blue and pink flannel with a pair of mom jeans on. “What’s with the cursing down here, Amethyst?” Garnet narrowed her eyes at the much smaller Latina girl in front of her. Amethyst ignored her while she was snickering.

“Nice mom jeans, G.” Amethyst chuckled before getting hit upside the head by Garnet. “Ow, okay, I am sorry, sheesh.” She walked away with the first aid kit still in her hand. Garnet looked over at Steven and smiled.

 “I had found this in your closet, I thought because we are going on a mission, you would want to take this with you.” She handed him the bag, taking it from her, Steven pulled the pink shield out of his bag, inside was a smaller pink sword. He shook his head and out them back in his bag.

“Thanks, Garnet …” He said softly, Garnet nodded once, grabbed her keys and purse before grabbing the back of Steven’s chair and pushing him out the door, to the black car in the driveway. Pearl’s car wasn’t there, so, it meant that she went to work extra early this morning. Garnet helped him into the car and stuck the wheelchair in the back. After about twenty minutes of driving, they came to somewhere that was surrounded by rocks, Garnet stopped the car in a parking spot, it was some area that gets visitors. “Where are we?” He asked.

The place was covered in broken rock, looks like very little life was ever here. In the distance, he could see hot steam coming from some gaps in the rocks. “Ardwick Moors.” Garnet said, placing a hand on his shoulder. “There is a corrupted gem somewhere here, and I wanted you to help me. You just have to be extra careful it's a fire one.” She grabbed out her phone to show him the _Pokémon Go_ app, and he faced palm. He thought they were going to do something different not this. Garnet helped him out of the car, the road was a dirt path and it was slightly bumpy, making it a bit harder for the chair, but they only had to go some ways.  
  
The walk was quiet as she tried searching for the Pokémon, but somehow, he felt like Garnet wanted to say something to him, and this was more than searching for Pokémon. “This isn’t just a mission, is it?” I asked quietly wincing as my stomach muscles constricted against the cuts.

She was quiet for a bit before she started to answer his question. “I am worried about you, Steven. Pearl didn't mean to say what she did. She is under a lot of pressure like all of us.” He rolled his eyes, knowing damn well that's how Pearl feels and she meant her words. “I took you out here to talk to you. I need you to tell me what's going on.”

He had looked at her before looking down at his hand, “There is nothing wrong, I am perfectly fine.” Shrugging, he put his hands down on the wheels and rolled ahead a bit, when his chair wheel got stuck on something. Pebbles that was coming down from the mountain side. Steven looked up as his eyes widened when a rock the size of a basketball, as it got closer, he noticed it was a little bit bigger than an average one. He tried everything to get wheel free, but there was no use.

“Steven! Watch out!” Yelled Garnet before he felt her tackle him and he was thrown out of his chair away from the rock. However, she was too slow to get out of the way and was slammed into the rock, making more rocks tumble down around her. His heart was beating quickly, why wasn’t Garnet getting up? Was she okay? He winched in pain everywhere, his arm was throbbing and his ribs were murderous. He felt blood trickle down the side of his head, he had no way to get to her. Steven looked down at his stomach, his shirt was torn from the jagged rocks, showing off the bandage that was also turned a bit.

He heard groaning, before seeing Garnet slowly get up then fall back down. “Garnet! Are you okay over there?!” He called tears welling up in his eyes, she managed to raise an arm up in the air to hold up a thumb up, his heart started to calm down a bit. It wasn’t until a few minutes later, that Garnet was able to stand up on wobbly legs, her clothes were dirty and torn in some places, and her glasses were broken. She limped, stopped, and then limped her way over to Steven, as she got closer, he saw that she as holding her hand close to her body. It was black and blue, swollen to a balloon, and it looked hella painful.

When she got closer, her eyes went straight to his stomach to show the bandages with the blood sinking through them. She was more concerned for Steven, than she was for herself, even if her whole body was screaming. He knew what she was thinking, “Look, I am more worried about you than  I am worried about myself, Garnet. I’m fine, but are you okay?”

“I am fine,” Garnet said, her voice giving away her pain, “but you are not. Why do you have the bandages, Steven? Did you get them last night? Please. Please. Talk to me.” She had practically begged him, as tears welled up in her eyes, she limped closer to him. “Once you talk to me, everything will be okay.”

Steven took a deep breath and shook his head, “Nothing will ever be okay again … nothing, without mom, or Lapis. Everything went down to shits. I’m not okay, like you said, I’m not. I have somebody’s blood on my hands, Garnet. And look at you! I almost lost you, just now.” He wanted to run far away from her and this place, he wanted to run until he couldn’t breathe anymore, but his legs wouldn’t permit it. He took Lapis away, he took mom away, and he almost took Garnet away. If he wasn’t feeling like this, or if he wasn’t born, then Garnet wouldn’t be like that, Rose would still be here, and so would Lapis. He was a monster instead a boy’s body. And he wanted the pain to go away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, much had happened in this chapter, my poor baby Steven, I wish everything could go away for you and go back to normal. Pearl, Steven is your son, and you treat him like this, and Garnet is your wife. How could you treat them like that?Yeah I know she misses Rose, but that was uncalled for. 
> 
> Now, how did you like John? He is based off a friend of mine, I just thought maybe he needed to be in here for Steven's sake. Yeah, I know he has Connie, but Connie isn't a big part in this story, I also hope Garnet is going to be okay, that hand doesn't look pretty ... 
> 
> Anyway, I hoped you like the chapter. Until next time - XDomoX

**Author's Note:**

> How did you like the first chapter guys? Please comment below, I know I have other stories I should really update, but I'll get to them soon. Especially, with Dark Intentions, I have to get my partner not lazy to write anymore. X'D Anyway, should I write more?


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